Right then. I can see you’re a baby bat. Or at least you claim to be. It’s quite hard to tell to be honest, unless you unfurl some leathery wings. And I’d actually rather you didn’t, so let’s just take your word on that.
As for being cute, well that’s a matter of opinion. Granted, your eyes are large in proportion to the rest of you, and yeah that is normally a sign of cuteness. But that’s not the thing that’s really induced my nausea today.
Nope, that would be the stench.
If you’ve ever seen actual bats, in the wild or at the zoo, you’ll know they stink. Real bad too. In fact I’d go as far as to say they are one of the stinkiest animals out there. I’d rather inhale 100 human farts that the scent of a bat cave. Which means that no matter how cute you may look on camera, in real life you’re vomit inducing.
It’s unbelievable to realise that in many places the human governments actually have laws protecting these things. I’m not sure of the exact wording, but the basic premise is that if you find these foul smelling, blood sucking flying vermin in your loft, you can’t drive a stake through their hearts, or even find another less dramatic way to kill them.
In fact if you find you can’t live together, due to the fact that one of you has an unholy stench and is made of leather, it’s you that has to move out. You’ll still have to pay the mortgage though, and the heating bills. You might be able to get away with cancelling the ilk delivery, but that’s about all.
So knowing all that, you get this critter with the nerve to sit there sucking a pacifier while posing for a photo, presumably to look so cute that it encourages people to donate to bat welfare charities.
I say fuck you bats. You get nothing from me. I deny any attempt to save, rescue or preserve your species. In fact, I’m off to cover my attic with cloves of garlic. Just in case.